Empty-nest season is sort of upon us. This ceremony of passage within the parental journey kicks into excessive gear in late summer time and is usually full of dread and disappointment—particularly for ladies—as their kids head off into the world.
Rethinking the “Empty Nest” Narrative
It’s simple to purchase into the narrative the patriarchy would have us imagine: that when our kids are launched, we not have a task in society. That we’re used up. That our lives simply languish in entrance of us—our solely pleasure arriving when our children stumble residence with duffel baggage filled with soiled laundry and empty bellies prepared for residence cooking. However I feel it’s bullshit.
I typically marvel if we’ve created a self-fulfilling prophecy round the entire empty-nest factor. Am I unhappy as a result of I feel I’m imagined to be unhappy? If I’m not strolling round with a field of tissues all day, what does that say about me as a mom? Does it imply I don’t love my children sufficient?
(NOTE: I’m by no means making mild of girls who take care of very actual signs of despair presently. If that is your expertise, please attain out to your physician or therapist.)
What If We Noticed It as Progress As an alternative of Loss?
What if we didn’t anticipate that this alteration can be arduous? What if we acknowledged it as the following wholesome step within the evolution of our household—and ourselves? Our kids are imagined to go off into the world to do their factor. By permitting them the house to vary and adapt, we get the prospect to do the identical.
Too typically, our experiences are compressed into both/or eventualities. You’re both the devoted mom who cries at each reminder of her baby, otherwise you’re the impassive one who turns the bed room into a house gymnasium the day after they transfer out.
However what if we allowed ourselves to be each?
Residing within the Center Means
Our lived experiences present we’re way more difficult than a binary alternative. There’s all the time the choice of the center method—permitting your self to be within the liminal house of not realizing.
An empty nest is completely about loss and shifting into a brand new id. However what in the event you acknowledged that grief—and as a substitute of letting it swallow you—used it as gasoline to develop into a brand new model of your self? Might you progress ahead into that new id with each pleasure and curiosity?
A Single Mom’s Perspective
As a single mom, I discover the liberty of entering into an empty nest a little bit intoxicating. There are issues I wish to do with my life that I can’t when my world is so closely intertwined with my kids. I’m not abandoning them—they’re off having new experiences in new locations. Why ought to I be caught in the identical outdated life, simply ready for Thanksgiving break?
I by no means had this type of company in my 20s. Again then, I didn’t actually know who I used to be or what I wished. I compromised on goals earlier than I even had them found out—busy paying down scholar debt and following boyfriends across the nation. My 20s had been centered on ticking off a guidelines: get married by a sure age, have kids by a sure age.
Now? I’ve been there and achieved that. What’s subsequent?
Extra Than Distraction
That is the purpose in most articles the place I’m imagined to say: go get a interest, be part of a membership, take up pickleball. However these can simply be new methods to distract your self so that you don’t need to really feel.
What if I advised one thing totally different?
It’s not about distraction—it’s about turning into so deeply conscious of your self it virtually hurts.
I would like you to carry grief and pleasure on the similar time, which suggests being current in each second.
I would like you to get comfy with being uncomfortable.
I would like you to ask your self what feels true proper now—and never be so numb with distractions which you could’t reply.
Some days, nothing will really feel true. Your physique, profession, and relationships might all be in flux. However that flux provides you the house to determine who you actually are. It’s an opportunity to rewrite your story so it’s aligned with the particular person you at the moment are. We get to shed the load of individuals, locations, and issues which are not ours to hold.
Stepping Into What’s Subsequent
None of this may really feel simple. It received’t occur in a single day. You received’t get up the morning after your baby leaves along with your new id in place. Will probably be uncooked and messy. However you’ve a alternative: step into the mess with heaviness and dread—or with chance and pleasure.
The Empty Nest and Coping Mechanisms
In my work with ladies exploring their relationship with alcohol, the empty nest typically performs a task in elevated nightly consuming. Distractions begin out harmless sufficient: comfortable hours, high-intensity exercises, countless scrolling, or extra-long workdays.
The hazard comes when these distractions turn out to be addictions—after they flip into coping methods. You may slide into a spot of darkness with out even realizing it’s occurring.
Eradicating distractions—or a minimum of turning into conscious of them—lets you reconnect with components of your self you might not have touched in years.
In case you’re interested in exploring your relationship with alcohol, please attain out and e-book a STRONGER SOBER session right here. —Krysty