Predicting the NFL Wild Card spherical based mostly on which mascot would win in a combat

There are many completely affordable, thought of, and analytic methods of evaluating the matchups that can ultimately result in the Tremendous Bowl. Not this time. Not on this URL positioned on the World Vast Internet.

We have to consider these NFL Playoffs solely utilizing the candy science of fight. Who would reign supreme if we eliminated the 53 gamers from every staff and left every sport as much as one-on-one gladiatorial fight between mascots?

AFC Wild Card

Los Angeles Chargers vs. Houston Texans

It’s actually unfair, however the Texans get a bye on this spherical. The Chargers are one in every of solely 4 NFL groups who don’t have a mascot, and I’m not skirting the foundations by permitting in Boltman. Firstly, Boltman is unofficial — and he hasn’t actually been tied to the staff since they left San Diego.

Toro the bull wins by default. However we’re going to debate the issues with you later, Toro.

Picture by Nick Cammett/Diamond Photos through Getty Photos

Houston Texans win.

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Baltimore Ravens

We’re again to the third matchup between these groups this season, however the first to be settled by mascot dying match. This can be a robust one to name. On the one hand, you’ve got Steely McBeam, champion of the working class, somebody who can be there for you at a second’s discover.

Picture by George Gojkovich/Getty Photos

If this had been any human vs. human contest within the NFL, I’m choosing Steely. This can be a man who has killed earlier than and buried the our bodies below the foundations of a development web site.

Sadly, he’s up towards this.

Picture by Scott Taetsch/Getty Photos

Baltimore is just not getting all three ravens for the needs of equity. Even so, Poe alone is terrifying. I don’t assume individuals recognize how scary a raven will be, not to mention one the dimensions of a human with a three-foot-long beak. People naturally freak out when a sparrow comes down their chimney, not to mention this monstrosity. He’s going to tear poor Mr. McBeam aside.

Baltimore Ravens win

Denver Broncos vs. Buffalo Payments

That is the place issues get troublesome. We now have two animals who naturally take pleasure in working in a stampede state of affairs, and to this finish, you would need to give the rub to a Buffalo demolishing a horse.

Nonetheless, we’re not speaking buffalo vs. horse, we’re speaking about Billy Buffalo …

Picture by Ric Tapia/Getty Photos

vs. Miles.

Picture by Helen H. Richardson/MediaNews Group/The Denver Submit through Getty Photos

There has by no means been an animal mascot extra inherently evil than Miles. Miles is to horses what Pennywise is to clowns. Miles fights for enjoyable on the weekend in underground combat golf equipment.

Billy Buffalo isn’t prepared for this smoke. He’s simply too type and delicate.

Denver Broncos win.

NFC Wild Card

Inexperienced Bay Packers vs. Philadelphia Eagles

We get a bye within the NFC as nicely, with Inexperienced Bay being one other staff and not using a mascot. Unofficial mascots don’t rely within the buttoned-up world of the NFL. If the protect can’t make cash off it, then it doesn’t rely. I don’t make the foundations … nicely, I very particularly do make the foundations right here and I’m banning unofficial mascots.

Picture by Brooke Sutton/Getty Photos

Swoop wins by default.

Philadelphia Eagles win.

Washington Commanders vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

That is our first combat, through which each opponents carry army rank. Suiting up for Washington now we have the anthropomorphic pig solider Main Tuddy.

Picture by Timothy Nwachukwu/Getty Photos

Towards the dread pirate, Captain Worry.

Picture by Roy Okay. Miller/Icon Sportswire through Getty Photos

I is perhaps within the minority, however I don’t assume a pirate is all that scary. They excelled in shock ways, seizing ships, and psychological warfare. All of those can be moot towards a pig with a military background.

Main Tuddy has an enormous mass benefit, and Captain Worry’s sword is for present. I feel the military pig wins this one fairly handily.

Washington Commanders win.

Minnesota Vikings vs. Los Angeles Rams

That is the horn-headed matchup — however right here’s the rub: There’s no historic proof that vikings ever truly wore horned helmets. This was one thing invented within the 1800s in artwork and opera.

That makes Viktor the Vikings a little bit of a poser. A poser in Zubaz no much less.

Picture by Ric Tapia/Getty Photos

Viktor is about as scary as a viking on the Eurovision Tune Contest, and in consequence has no probability of standing as much as an offended, human-sized ram like Rampage.

Picture by Ric Tapia/Getty Photos

Rams are underestimated as nicely. In the event you’ve ever been fake-charged by a ram you recognize it’s terrifying. I see Rampage charging Viktor, taking out his legs, then feasting on his supine physique.

Los Angeles Rams win.

NFL Divisional Playoff Matchups

• Denver Broncos (Miles) vs. Kansas Metropolis Chiefs (KC Wolf)
• Houston Texans (Toro) vs. Baltimore Ravens (Poe)
• Washington Commanders (Main Tuddy) vs. Detroit Lions (Roary)
• Los Angeles Rams (Rampage) vs. Philadelphia Eagles (Swoop)

We’ll determine these matchups subsequent week.